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I want to disappear again. The right to be forgotten. What does it mean to disappear, anyway? Vapor into the void. I'm turning off the technology that doesn't mean anything to me. I saw a good meme on Tinder once about the future of the Neo-luddite movement. It was a Venn diagram. I fit into most of the circles.
I try to stay out of most of the circles. I'm never looking at Tinder again. I'm worried about my sad friends, and I'm worried about my sad self. We're all sad. I remember starting to notice this about us, maybe ten years ago. In high school, for sure. I thought there was a chance it was just because puberty and stuff, but I don't think so anymore. Were the boomers this sad? I was never really under that impression. Maybe the beats?
I don't know. The world is ending. I hate being a doomer. I really try not to be, but I'm definitely the person you'll find catastrophizing her life away.
I don't want anything. I hate the city. I hate the suburbs, and I hate towns like Bismarck. It's all bad.
See what I mean? I like this track, but it would be better without the fast-arpeggiated bloops. The pads and the breathy hits and stuff are all really nice though. These are all in retrospect to me, since I wrote them three years ago and I barely pay attention to what I'm doing while I'm doing it.
I've been thinking a lot about how each and every stage of my life has in fact been a failure. I'm trying to get ok at playing drums again and I'm finding it very challenging. At least my butt is getting bigger. In the scheme of things, at least there's that. At least I don't want to fully annihilate my physical self in the same way I used to.
What's up? Many records to finish, and hopefully something hopeful as the summer fades. It's hot, I still don't have air conditioning (good. fuck ac), and the summer can't fade fast enough.
Bernie Sanders was great on Rachel Maddow (ugh) and daddy is looking hot as ever. His teeth, omg, so perfect, I'm so jealous. Also, please, yes, give me health care and a planet in the future, thanks.
I bought strawberries at a farmer's market yesterday and ate the whole basket immediately.